My sister and I have so many honest conversations especially when we drive together somewhere. With all the chaos and noise coming from 4-5 small children in the back of the car, we end up pouring our hearts out about our walk with God, about life with young children, about anything!
The other day we were driving back from seeing an old friend whose mother had just passed away. It was a hard trip to make and there was so much on our minds on the way back into town. We had many worthy conversations but the one I am thinking about tonight is one I am still processing:
We were talking about the death of a believer and what absolute peace we have about dying. We know where we are going and that is comforting BUT can we apply that peace and trust in God's sovereignty to the death of our children? Sure, take my parents, my siblings, even my husband--but God, don't touch my children. I wouldn't survive. I wouldn't want to. Could you just let that cup pass from me? I can grow closer to You through OTHER trials and give you glory, okay? Just don't take my children--they are OFF LIMITS.
Now please do not get me wrong, I love my parents, my siblings, and my husband. But they are grown and have a relationship with God. They have lived, well, life. I would be incredibly sad to lose them on this earth. My world would be turned upside down to lose Joe. But I gave birth to these four beautiful children. I have wiped every tear, I have kissed every boo-boo, my heart goes wherever they go. They are the loves of my life. So I struggle with seeing children die even when their parent's prayed for that disease, that injury, that condition to not be the end. I have been to a baby's funeral and in the days leading up to her death, I remember having my own baby growing inside me and crying, "Why God? Why this?" . But her parent's walked through that fire and are a testament to God's unfailing love and faithfulness. They didn't curl up in a ball and stop living. They put one foot in front of the other and lived one day at a time. And four years later, they honor her on her birthday every year and remember her passing from life every year.
And Whitney and I ended our conversation with the intent to pray that we can REALLY give ALL of ourselves to God. It's not enough to say that sure, God, we love you and we will live for you. We have to live it. We have to intently seek out those areas in our lives that we are holding on to. Most people identify these holdovers as indiscretions in their life--bad habits, bad friends, bad, bad, bad. But what I hold so tightly to is the incredible blessings He gave in the form of four beautiful souls. What I forget is that He knows every story about them. He knows their every tear. He knows about every hurt that they have ever endured and He loves my children more than I ever could, ever would. He is a loving God that has been faithful to me my whole life and He will be the same God whether I have a child here on earth with me or away from me (for a brief time) in heaven with Jesus.
And then I had another thought, I have been so focused on ME when I struggle with this fear. I find it funny that it bothers me less that I am not worried about my walk, my sincerity with HIM. Does holding onto my children so tightly hinder my relationship with my Saviour? And so I went to Scripture and saw the answer in the following verses:
“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."
---Matthew 10:37-39
"Not worthy of me"?---Oh Lord, may I take up my cross and follow you so completely that I might be worthy of You. May the focus of my walk be about You and not You based on me.
